Question of the week :
I want to approach girls, but I am afraid. I have tried many times, I go with my friend to coffee shops, I see a girl but I feel that everybody is watching me, so I don’t approach. Same with my friend. Then we come home and feel bad and regret for not approaching. But next time we go out, same thing happens. Can you please advice how we can remove this fear?
– PT, Chennai
My comments :
Don’t wait for your fear to go away completely. It won’t.
A man never loses all his fear of approaching women.
The real man is one who will approach in spite of his fear.
Here’s a bunch of ideas that might help you manage your fear :
- You don’t need women to have fun : What many guys do wrong is to go out with the sole purpose of finding girls. This makes them feel needy and desperate. Wrong mindset. Instead, go out to have a fun time without needing girls. Talk, joke, connect with your friend, connect with random people. If you do see girls, treat them as if they just happened to be in a place where you’re already having fun.
- Be always ‘ON’ : Don’t have the mentality of When I see a hot girl, I will turn on my charm.
Have the mentality of I am ALWAYS socializing, I’m ALWAYS connecting with people, I’m ALWAYS charming.
When you get out of your house, talk to your building watchman, tell him his moustache rocks, ask him about the effort it takes to maintain such a great moustache. Talk to the taxi/rickshaw driver, ask what part of India he is from, find out what he misses most about his native town. When you go to a pan-shop to buy your chewing gum, ask the guy how is business, find out if the summer heat is causing people to buy more paan or less. Be genuinely curious about people. If you see a guy with a great shirt/trousers/haircut, walk up and tell him you love it, find out where he got it from. Say thanks, give him a high-five and move on. When you see girls passing by, stop them and ask if there’s a coffee shop nearby. Ask if the coffee there is good? Just good or fantastic-good? Say thanks and move on. Have the mentality of “I’m always a cool, fun guy who socializes with everybody, men, women and children”. And by the time you enter the coffee shop, you’re already in a talkative mood. Now when you see those 2 cuties at the next table, it’s not a big deal to walk up and talk. You’ve been doing it all along. 🙂
- Stop putting women on pedestals : If you tend to view beautiful women as 100% perfect female specimens, you’ll find it scary to approach them. Instead, try to find flaws in her, and make her appear imperfect. For instance, if she did not wax her legs, she’d look like this. If she did not use make-up, she’d look like this. Imagine waking up with her the next morning and her breath stinks (it usually does). Imagine her as old and ugly and see her with wrinkled skin and sagging breasts (she’ll have them eventually). It’ll lessen the awe with which you hold women and make it easier to approach and talk to them.
- Get a friend who’ll kick your butt : Go out with a friend who is as hungry to learn this skill as you are. Push each other to approach. Kick each other’s butts if either of you wusses out. Or try this. Give your friend ten 1000-rupee notes and ask him to point out ten women, one by one. Every approach you make, you earn back 1000 rupees, and every time you wuss out, you lose Rs.1000. This is exactly what I did when I was first learning this. The fear of losing the money was enough motivation to approach all 10 women.
- Keep a cheat sheet : Sometimes we forget what to say when we are face to face with a beautiful woman. The mind just goes blank. It used to happen to me. Here’s an easy solution : Carry 2 readymade openers in your pocket so you can look them up any time, any where.
- Choose your pain : Most men avoid approaching women because they want to avoid the pain of rejection. But when they’re back home, they feel the pain of regret “Shit man, why didn’t I approach that girl, I’m such a loser!” And you know what, the pain of regret or the pain of rejection. We forget the girls who rejected us last week, but we regret not approaching or talking to a certain girl years after it happens. Next time you feel the fear of approaching, remember : the pain of regret is greater (much greater) than the pain of rejection.
- Death is waiting : Life is unpredictable. You can’t be sure if you’ll be alive tomorrow. There is no time to hesitate. Just approach!
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