Question from reader :
Hello Shiva, I attracted a girl in my street with my bodylanguage and by looking at her. firstly she doesn’t respond but after couple of days, she also looked at me and showed her interest. she goes to college through my street to her bus-stop but she travels only in her college bus. so its nearly impossible to talk to her along the way. but i talked to her once and she feels embarrassed talking on road. i said sorry to her. but after couple of days she looked at me again when i was at tea stall with my friends. she has a friend who is her classmate, can i approach to her friend to make my way easy, is it a good idea? i am living in a town a municipal town. and i’m 26 y old she is may be 21, give your suggestion, thank you for this opportunity, bye
– mohan, mpl town, a.p.
***My response***
First of all, it’s awesome that you took the courage to approach her.
Most guys only stare from a distance and do nothing else.
Because you don’t have much of a chance to talk on the street, you
should try to get her phone number.
You didn’t say what exactly you spoke to her, and what she replied, but if it
embarrassed her then you probably made these approaching mistakes.
——————————————————–——————————————————–
Mistake # 1 : You directly expressed interest
——————————————————–——————————————————–
When you directly tell a girl I like you it puts pressure on her.
She thinks, if she now continues the conversation, you’ll presume she likes you too.
Even if she does NOT like you yet, but wants to talk to you to get to know you better,
you’ll still get the impression that she likes you (that’s how men are!)
This makes many women uncomfortable when a man directly expresses interest.
Add to this the SOCIAL pressure of a small town where people don’t approve of a young girl
talking to a man outside of her family.
That’s a lot of pressure.
To take all this pressure off, she says things like “Sorry, not interested” or “I have to go” or
“I have a boyfriend” or she just walks away.
Later, she may regret walking away, and may wish that she had stayed and talked and given
you her number, but it’s too late.
So is there a solution to this problem?
Yes, it’s called the INDIRECT approach. I will tell you about it in a minute.
——————————————————–——————————————————–
Mistake # 2 : You did not tell her that you have to go
——————————————————–——————————————————–
One of the reasons girls don’t talk to men who approach is that most men just don’t go away.
Even if she gives him a short reply (just to be polite), the guy assumes it’s a green signal to
stay and talk her ear off.
“They just stick to us like fevicol!” says a girl I know.
That’s why, when a guy approaches a girl or a group of girls, the first thought that comes to their
minds is “Oh my god, I hope this guy doesn’t stick to us”
Until you neutralize that thought in their heads, they won’t be receptive to what you say.
Right at the start you have to let her know that you have limited time, and you can’t stay long.
One way to do that is to say, “Quick question” or “I have to get back to my friend…” or
have a body language that says you’re going somewhere.
Letting her know that you have to go, makes her comfortable. It also makes you look like a man
with a busy life, which is more attractive than a man with all the time in the world.
The next time you see her and her friend, do the indirect approach.
INDIRECT approach # 1
—————————————————
When you walk up to a girl and ask, “Which bus goes to Hyderabad?” there is no pressure on her.
She gives you the information without embarrassment, without worrying about who is watching.
This is the indirect approach. Except, instead of asking for bus information, you ask for a female opinion.
Here’s one of the approaches we teach at our workshops and bootcamps.
Next time you see her with her friend, walk up with a smile on your face and with a bold, confident
voice ask them for an opinion.
You (approaching girl over your shoulder* with a smile on your face) : “Hey, my friends and I are
having a debate. So I need a quick opinion then I have to get back to my friends”
Girl : Huh?
You (with body language as if you’re about to leave) :
“What do women look for in a guy, money or looks?”
Girl : Money, looks, I don’t know, blah, blah…
You : “The reason I’m asking is that my cousin just called me to say she has dumped
her boyfriend because he is too short. And this guy is really rich! So I’m just wondering,
is it normal for a girl to dump a rich guy just because he is short?”
Girls : Yes, no, blah, blah
Because you’ve talked so much without expressing interest in her, this has taken the pressure off the
girl and given her time to observe you and notice your confident body language. This puts her in the
mood to interact with you. What do you do after that? Even if they would love to talk about it (and they
usually will) don’t stick to the topic. Change the topic to something else. Look at them and say, as if you
just noticed something…
You : “Wait a min…are you both… good friends?”
She : Yes, why, blah, blah…
You : “Like, really close friends?”
She : Yes, why, blah, blah…
You : “I can tell, because….both of you…make the exact same …facial expressions”
The girls will laugh. Earlier they saw you as a stranger and they were afraid you will stick to them, now they see you as a fun guy and they hope you don’t leave too soon. Now you can tell them an entertaining story or tell them about a cool event/activity that you and your friends are going to. But remember, you’re a busy guy with stuff to do, so you can’t stay there for long. Turn around slightly as if you’re about to leave, then come back and say…
You : “Hey I have to go, but you girls are cool, high five!” (raise your hand to give her friend a high-five)
Give her friend a high-five, then go to high-five the girl you’re interested in. She raises her hand.
But instead of giving a high-five, you scratch the back of your head, give a cheeky smile and say…
You: “Oh my God, I can’t believe you still fall for that…we used to do that in school!”
She feels a little snubbed, and that raises your value a a bit. Now go for her number.
You : “Hey, I wish I had the time to talk to you…but I have to go, my friends are waiting.
But I think…I want to talk to you again…how do we make that happen?
She : Blah, blah…
You : “Tell you what, let me quickly grab your number and maybe I’ll give you a call some time”
Take out your cellphone and look at her, as if waiting for her to give you her number.
Note : She may or may not give you her number, depending on how shy she is, how well you do
the technique, whether she has a phone, whether she has a paranoid dad/uncle/brother/boyfriend
who has hired a detective to watch her all the time, etc… but this is the best chance of getting her number.
The point is not whether you get her number, the point is did you try?
If she doesn’t give you her number, say with a smile “Why you such a darpok?” and then ask for
her number again, often this gets her off the fence and you get her number. If she still doesn’t give
her number, write your number down on a piece of paper and give it to her. I don’t usually recommend
giving a girl your number when she doesn’t give her’s, but because it’s a small town and girls can be
extra shy with their numbers, it might help for her to have yours, so she can call when she is comfortable.
But DO NOT beg or plead for her number. Don’t say, “Please…” , “Come on…” etc. That will kill
whatever attraction you created until then and even if you do get her number, she won’t respond well
when you call. If she does not give her number, it’s no big deal (even if it is a big deal for you, pretend like
it’s not), continue to talk for a few minutes, say, “ok, see you later” and leave. At least you tried.
When you re-initiate conversation with her next time, it’s easier, you’re now a cool guy she knows, not a
complete stranger.
————–
———————-
INDIRECT approach # 2
—————————————————
If you don’t have the courage to do all the above, here’s a shortcut technique.
Warning : This is less effective when there is no attraction existing already,
but in your case, there seems to be some attraction and eye contact going on,
so it should work.
Walk up to her and say with a smile…
You : “Hey, my name is Mohan, and I see you often.
It’s just that…I LOVE the way you dress!”
She : smiles, thank you, blah, blah
You : “I don’t have the time to talk right now, I just have a quick question. I want to gift
my cousin a nice dress for her birthday. Where can I buy some cool dresses?”
She : shop name, directions, blah, blah…
You (interrupting her) : “Listen, I know you have to go, and I have to go too.
Let me quickly get your number and maybe I’ll call you later to get the store details.”
Hand her your phone expecting her to punch in her number. Let her phone
ring (so you know it’s the right number) and then say…
You (smiling) : “Ok, now don’t call me 50 times a day! I’ll call you.”
Give her a high-five and leave. Now you can call her later.
Hope these techniques help you approach and get her number.
Let me know how it went. 🙂
*Over your shoulder means, not facing her directly.
Here’s a graphic description of what I mean.
http://www.realman.in/ecoaching/notes-approaching.php
——————————————————————————————————————–
Got a dating question? Click here
——–