Question of the week :
I want to approach girls, but I am afraid. I have tried many times, I go with my friend to coffee shops, I see a girl but I feel that everybody is watching me, so I don’t approach. Same with my friend. Then we come home and feel bad and regret for not approaching. But next time we go out, same thing happens. Can you please advice how we can remove this fear?
- PT, Chennai

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My comments :

Don’t wait for your fear to go away completely. It won’t.

A man never loses all his fear of approaching women.

The real man is one who will approach in spite of his fear.

Here’s a bunch of ideas that might help you manage your fear :
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1. You don’t need women to have fun : What many guys do wrong is to go out with the sole purpose of finding girls. This makes them feel needy and desperate. Wrong mindset. Instead, go out to have a fun time without needing girls. Talk, joke, connect with your friend, connect with random people. If you do see girls, treat them as if they just happened to be in a place where you’re already having fun.
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2. Be always ‘ON’ : Don’t have the mentality of When I see a hot girl, I will turn on my charm.
   Have the mentality of I am ALWAYS socializing, I’m ALWAYS connecting with people, I’m ALWAYS charming.
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   When you get out of your house, talk to your building watchman, tell him his moustache rocks, ask him about the effort it takes to maintain such a great moustache. Talk to the taxi/rickshaw driver, ask what part of India he is from, find out what he misses most about his native town. When you go to a pan-shop to buy your chewing gum, ask the guy how is business, find out if the summer heat is causing people to buy more paan or less. Be genuinely curious about people. If you see a guy with a great shirt/trousers/haircut, walk up and tell him you love it,  find out where he got it from. Say thanks, give him a high-five and move on.  When you see girls passing by, stop them and ask if there’s a coffee shop nearby. Ask if the coffee there is good? Just good or fantastic-good? Say thanks and move on. Have the mentality of “I’m always a cool, fun guy who socializes with everybody, men, women and children”. And by the time you enter the coffee shop, you’re already in a talkative mood. Now when you see those 2 cuties at the next table, it’s not a big deal to walk up and talk. You’ve been doing it all along. :)
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3. Stop putting women on pedestals : If you tend to view beautiful women as 100% perfect female specimens, you’ll find it scary to approach them. Instead, try to find flaws in her, and make her appear imperfect. For instance, if she did not wax her legs, she’d look like this. If she did not use make-up, she’d look like this. Imagine waking up with her the next morning and her breath stinks (it usually does). Imagine her as old and ugly and see her with wrinkled skin and sagging breasts (she’ll have them eventually). It’ll lessen the awe with which you hold women and make it easier to approach and talk to them.
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4. Get a friend who’ll kick your butt : Go out with a friend who is as hungry to learn this skill as you are. Push each other to approach. Kick each other’s butts if either of you wusses out. Or try this.  Give your friend ten 1000-rupee notes and ask him to point out ten women, one by one. Every approach you make, you earn back 1000 rupees, and every time you wuss out, you lose Rs.1000.  This is exactly what I did when I was first learning this. The fear of losing the money was enough motivation to approach all 10 women.
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5. Keep a cheat sheet : Sometimes we forget what to say when we are face to face with a beautiful woman. The mind just goes blank. It used to happen to me. Here’s an easy solution : Carry 2 readymade openers in your pocket so you can look them up any time, any where. :)
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6. Choose your pain : Most men avoid approaching women because they want to avoid the pain of rejection. But when they’re back home, lying in bed and regretting “Shit man, why didn’t I approach that girl, I’m such a loser!” THAT pain is much greater than the pain of rejection. So the next time you feel the fear of approaching, remember : the pain of regret is greater (much greater!) than the pain of rejection.
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7. Death is waiting : Life is unpredictable. You can’t be sure if you’ll be alive tomorrow. There is no time to hesitate. Just approach!
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Question of the week :
I have a problem I need your help. I am able to get girls phone numbers but after we go on a date, she ignores my calls and she never calls me. This happened with too many girls. I am doing something wrong but I don’t know whats my mistake. I am not doing any hanky-panky during the date, I behave like a gentleman. Why do they suddenly lose interest after the date? Please help thanks.
-Bobby M, New Delhi

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My comments :

I hope your basic hygiene and grooming is ok. Women are quickly turned off by bad breath, body odour, nose hair and dirty nails.

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But even if you look and smell good, you’re probably making the most common mistake guys make during a date : playing too safe and not flirting enough.

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I often see guys on a date talk about their family, their college, their job, they’ll compliment her on her beauty, her dress… but they will hesitate to flirt with her.

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Guys think that by behaving “decent”, the girl will like them more than the other guys who flirted with her.

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Big mistake! Women find such guys BORING.

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When a man and a woman meet for the purpose of romance and the man does not take things forward by flirting with her, she gets uncomfortable. And she’ll usually avoid him for further romantic encounters. She may still keep him around as a friend to do her work or to pay her dinner bills or to cry on his shoulders when she has problems, but she’ll not treat him like a lover (which means, no sex!).

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A woman will never tell a man, “Ok, I am attracted to you, let’s get physical”. She expects the man to take the lead, flirt with her and move the interaction towards sex.

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And one of the most powerful ways of flirting is by using PUSH-PULL.

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Push-Pull is a technique by which you alternately push her away and pull her close, keeping her confused about whether you really like her or not.

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Examples of push-pull:
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1. Tell her that you will take her out for coffee only if she dresses more hot.
   You’re PULLING her by expressing that you want to go out with her, but you’re PUSHING her away by laying down a condition. This is very different from most guys who ask her out for coffee without any conditions.
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2. While entering a coffee shop, open the door for her but tease her for walking slower than your grandma.
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3. In a restaurant, wipe food from the corner of her mouth while muttering that she’s embarrassing you with her clumsiness.
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4. Look deep into her eyes and say “I love looking into your eyes. And you know what I love most about it…looking at my reflection in your eyes. I’m so hot no?”
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5. Tell her that you want to take for a movie but you’re afraid she might take advantage of you in the darkness.
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6. If she mentions that she likes chicken or any non-veg food, shake your head in disappointment and say that you had planned to kiss her but now that you know she eats “dead animals”, all kissing plans are cancelled until further notice.
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7. Offer to give her your phone number but only if she promises not to call you 50 times a day.

You get the idea. Give out contrasting messages and keep her wondering whether you’re chasing her or if she’s chasing you.

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Next time you interact with a girl, whether in person, on the phone or through sms, use push-pull.

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Women love it. And it clearly communicates that you are a real man who knows how to take the interaction forward.

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Got a dating question? Click here

Get the latest question of the week on your mobile
phone by free sms. Click here

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Go ahead, take a lottery ticket…it’s FREE!

When people buy lottery tickets, they often choose an auspicious day, and then choose
a lucky number after saying a lucky prayer. If they don’t win, they feel like a loser and
will usually regret wasting their money.

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But suppose…

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Suppose a lottery ticket shop owner told you that you can pick as many tickets as you
want and play as often as you wish. For free. If you win, the prize money is yours. If you lose,
you pay nothing, not even the price of the ticket.

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How would you now pick a lottery ticket?

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Would you think too much? Would you care about what day you’ll pick the ticket, or
what number? Would you even say a prayer? Heck, no. You’ll pick any number and play!
And if the ticket doesn’t win, would you be sad and feel like a loser? Heck no. You’ll pick another
ticket and play again. And again. And again. Because it’s free.

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Well, approaching women is free.

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There are hundreds of thousands of cute women. If you approach a woman and are unable to
connect with her, no problem. Approach the next cutie.

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You can play as many times as you want. There’s nothing to lose. You can only win.

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What you can learn from Vivek Oberoi’s mistakes

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Remember Vivek Oberoi’s debut role as Chandu in the movie Company ?

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Chandu was ambitious, dominant, focussed on his goals and didn’t  give a f**k about what the world
thought of him. Precisely the qualities that make a man sexually attractive.

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The character of Chandu was so rare (real men are rare!) that for years, Vivek Oberoi was identified
with Chandu’s qualities of being a sexy, dominant, real man.

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Sure enough, Vivek attracted a massive female following. Including a former Miss. World.

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You’d think he would now turn on the Chandu persona even MORE.

But he did just the opposite. He discarded Chandu!

He stopped focusing on his goals (unlike Chandu in the movie) and focused entirely on Aish.
He followed her everywhere like a puppy. He showered her with gifts. In interviews, he talked about
how “blessed” he felt because she had come into his life. He even blushed while talking about her!
My guess is, he also called her on the phone a LOT.

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We know what happened next.

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He was quickly dumped.

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And you can’t blame her. With Chandu gone, gone was the man she was attracted to.

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Vivek’s mistakes

Mistake # 1) He stopped being Chandu.
Never stop doing the things that attracted her to you in the first place. Attraction is not
a destination that you reach and then relax. Attraction is a journey. You have to
continuously be an attractive man. Even after you get her number, even after you sleep
with her, even after you’re married to her for 50 years, keep her attracted. If you don’t,
somebody else might.

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Mistake # 2) He did not date other women
After he got dumped, Vivek continued to stay single. He probably thought his “dedication” and
“loyalty” (his words, not mine) would move her emotionally and she would come running back
into his arms. But attraction doesn’t work that way. He should have started dating other hot
women IMMEDIATELY, without wasting a minute. The surest way to attract a woman is to make
her see you date other women. Even if you don’t have other women to date, at least give the
impression that you do.

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Yesterday I was reading his interview in a magazine. I thought, after all these years, the man must
have realized his mistakes and is now wiser. Unfortunately, the guy is still a complete dodo.

Here are some of the quotes from the interview (Hindustan Times, HT Cafe, Sat Jan 02, 2009)

“I am still single. I’ve been single for 4 years.”

“I hope to find a girl who appreciates my dedication and loyalty”

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Dude! If you keep giving interviews like these, even Bobby Darling will not want to f**k you.

The art of pushing a girl away

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If you chase girls, they run away. If you push them away, they chase you.

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Some guys don’t know this. They give her too many compliments, call her
too often… and she runs away.

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Some guys know this, and they don’t chase girls. In fact, they ignore girls and won’t
even talk to them. These are the guys you see at parties, standing aloof and sipping their
drinks calmly. They pretend to ignore the girls hoping that it will attract them.
But it doesn’t work. The cool, aloof James Bond types do NOT get laid. Girls usually
don’t even notice these guys. And even if they do, most women won’t approach a man,
no matter how attracted they are.

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So how do you show that you’re not interested in a woman in a way that gets her attracted?

You do it with ACTIVE disinterest. Don’t just ignore the girls, but approach them, talk to
them and THEN show that you’re not interested.

Here’s an example, that happened recently.

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Me (walking up to hot babe, smiling) : “Hey, I saw you from over there, and I noticed your
tight butt. A tight butt is so rare these days. You must be into serious fitness!”

She : (laughing) Well, yes, I like to be fit…blah, blah

Me : (sounding excited) So you have a flat tummy? No paunch at all? Like Shilpa Shetty?

She : How I wish! But I do have a slight paunch.

Me : (I stop smiling, and sound a bit disappointed) Oh…you have a paunch? Well…a slight
paunch is fine…I guess. But hey, since we are talking, let me ask you. I was just giving my friend
over there some female advice. And I wanted your take on this…

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I then launched into the creepy-ex opener.

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By letting her actively know that her paunch has caused me to lose attraction, she started
seeing me as a challenge. Suddenly I was different from the rest of the guys who had walked
up and told her how beautiful she was. She now wanted to earn my attraction. She listened
to me with more interest, she responded more eagerly to my questions, she was eager to tell
me about her accomplishments. And finally when I had to leave, she was glad I asked for her
number. And when I called her a couple of days later, she was glad I called.

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Active disinterest is powerful. Use it.

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We discuss this in detail in our eCoaching program. In addition to readymade scripts for
active disinterest, clients get to chat with Shiva live, discuss real life situations from their lives
and get instant suggestions and techniques from him to improve their game.

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Learn approaching techniques : Offer extended by 2 days!

Our new year special offer has helped many guys start learning the techniques of approaching
and talking to women. Some of you have requested for more time to pay by cheque or cash, and so
we have extended the offer by 2 more days. On 02 January 2009, at 12 midnight, the offer will
be removed permanently. This is a never-before-never-again offer. If you had ever planned to learn
approaching techniques, there is no better time than now! Click here to sign up.

9 attraction tips for the new year

Do these 9 things in the new year and your attraction skills will shoot up.  I promise you.
Plus, a special offer you cannot miss!

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1) Talk to everybody

Don’t wait to start talking until you get to the venue and start approaching girls.
Start talking before that. Get into the habit of starting conversations with anybody, just for
the practice. Chat with the paan-shop guy as you buy chewing gum. Chat with the rickshaw
driver on the way. Stop a guy with a great stubble and tell him his stubble rocks. Be the social
guy who talks to everybody. By the time you get to the girl, you will already be in a
conversational mood.

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2) Don’t care about what people think of you

You may be hesitating to approach women because you are afraid people will judge you as
a sex maniac or a loser (confession : I have gone through that). But the truth is, people are not
judging you; they are too busy worrying about what others are thinking of them.

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3) Don’t hit on her until she earns it

A common mistake guys do is to express interest in her too early. As you interact with her, and she
gives you a reason for you to be attracted to her, only THEN should you express your interest. A woman
should earn your attraction, only then will she value it.

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4) Talk emotional, not logical

Don’t talk about cars, computers and database programming. Talk about relationships and the mysterious,
and use words for emotional impact. Even if you’re talking about your job, describe it emotionally.
Don’t just say “I am an architect”. Say “I take barren land and turn it into a work of art”.

——

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5) Value rejection

There is no such thing as failure, there are only LESSONS. Every rejection teaches you a powerful lesson
that instantly makes you more skilled at approaching. Take the lesson, move forward. Next approach.

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6) Fix your body language and voice tone

Stand up straight. Walk as if you own the place. Don’t lean in when you talk to women. Lean back and
speak loudly, slowly and expressively.  Voice tip: When you talk to anybody, talk THROUGH them,
not TO them; pierce the person with your voice.

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7) Smile

Guys are often so preoccupied thinking about what to say, they forget to smile during approaches.
Always smile while approaching a woman. Fake it if you have to. A smile communicates that you have
friendly intentions, which gets her to drop her defenses and makes her more open to talking to you.

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8) Use false scarcity

When a man approaches a woman, 2 questions spring up in her mind.

• a) Why is he talking to me?
• b) How long is he going to stay?

The best way to defuse these questions in her mind is to create a sense of scarcity and give her
the impression that you’re going away soon. Say things like, “I can only stay a minute, so quick question…” or ”
My friends are waiting, so real quick…”

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9) Use push-pull

Never let a woman know for SURE where she stands with you. Keep her guessing. Say “I will take you out
for coffee but only if you dress hot”. Look deep into her eyes and say, “You know what I love about your
eyes? My reflection in them. I look so cute!” Keep her emotional state fluctuating high and low. Push and pull.
It’s the bedrock of flirting. Never stop doing it. Even after you’re married to her for 50 years.

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An offer you shouldn’t miss!

As a new year gift, we have made the eCoaching program affordable to everybody.
Check it out here. Now learn the techniques of approaching, attracting and
connecting with women, at a really special price. The eCoaching program provides
step-by-step instructions to do all the 9 things described above.

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The 5 steps of the mating dance

There is a sequence of 5 steps that two strangers have to go through,
to move from eye contact to sex (click here to read with animation).

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It doesn’t matter if you follow these steps consciously or naturally.

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It doesn’t matter if you show her this article and she thinks it’s a load of crap. :)

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All that evolution/nature cares about is that the 5 steps be followed in
the exact same sequence.

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Here are the 5 steps.

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Step 1 : Approach
Approach and break the ice. You can open with a simple “Hi”.
Or you can minimize chances of rejection by using routines.

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Step 2 : Show that you are a cool guy
Become so interesting that she stops thinking “Why is he talking
to me?” and thinks “I hope he doesn’t stop talking to me!”

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Step 3 : Disqualify her
Show active disinterest in her and talk to the rest of her friends,
until she provides a reason for you to be attracted to her.

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Step 4 : Isolate & Connect
After she provides you with a reason to reward her with your interest,
isolate her and develop an emotional connection by finding things in
common, and making her feel that this was destined to happen.

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Step 5 : Seduce
Physically advance in a way that doesn’t make her uncomfortable,
until you have sex with her.

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Most men grow up believing that there are only two kinds of women in the world–
good girls and bad girls.

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Any woman who likes sex must be a BAD girl with loose morals. Any woman who likes
cooking him dinner must be a GOOD girl that he should take home to his mom.

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This belief prevents men from truly understanding women.

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The truth is, every woman has a good girl AND a bad girl side.

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The GOOD girl wants you to buy her flowers and take her for candle-light dinners.

The BAD girl wants you to spank her ass, tie her up and f**k her hard.

And they are both the SAME girl.

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No matter how old-fashioned and bahenji-like she may appear on the outside
there is a bad girl inside that secretly fantasizes about dirty sexual acts.

And no matter how slutty she may appear on the outside, there is a sweet and
shy good girl inside that just wants to cuddle her teddy.

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Most women repress their BAD GIRL side because they are afraid of being judged.
They have seen society quick to judge a sexually open woman as “slut”, “whore”,
“loose”, etc. And they don’t want to suffer the same loss of social status. Women will do
anything (even avoid sex!) to avoid losing their social status.

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Only when she meets a man who can confidently engage her bad girl side in a fun
and playful manner, does she let that side come out.

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Unfortunately most guys talk ONLY to the good girl inside. They send her romantic
cards, give her gifts and compliments, ask her out to dinner… but they are afraid to
do or say anything that might upset her.

They fail to engage the bad girl.

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No wonder women everywhere are sighing, “Oh when will I meet a real man?!”

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The solution? As soon as you start interacting with a woman, engage her bad girl side.

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Try these ideas:
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• Interpret anything she says to mean that she is hitting on you. Example: If you’re
  on the phone and she says that she was sleeping or is going to sleep, say “Hulloooo, we
  have barely met and you’re already talking about SLEEPING together! I think you’re too
  fast for me!” If she asks what movie you’ve seen or mentions one that she’s seen, say
  “I know what you’re hinting at, but I will NOT go for a movie with you. You might
  take advantage of me in the darkness !”
  ———————
• Treat her as if she was a little brat. If she says or does something you don’t approve of,
  say “I don’t know who your boyfriend is… but he’s not spanking you enough”.
  
  
• In response to anything she says, say “Bad girl!” and spank her on the butt. And not gently. ;)
  ———————
• Accuse her (teasingly of course) of being a flirt and wanting you ONLY for your body and not
  for the person you are.
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How does learning to approach women make you
better at public speaking?

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Approach anxiety is part of a larger issue called SOCIAL anxiety.

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Most people have some level of social anxiety.

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Some fear making presentations, some are uncomfortable talking to strangers,
some hesitate asking their boss for a raise, some are reluctant to sing or
dance at a party, some fear public speaking, some are uncomfortable dressing
in trendy clothes…

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Whatever your social anxiety, the root cause is a fear of rejection.

—————-

You are afraid you’ll be rejected and disgraced in public.

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So what do most people do?

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They avoid making presentations, they avoid dancing at parties, they avoid talking to
strangers, they avoid taking any initiative where the the spotlight will be on them.

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To avoid the pain of rejection, they decline opportunities for advancing their career,
their friendships, their love life…

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That’s a sad way of living life.

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So how should you handle the fear of rejection?

————

Simple. Don’t give a fuck about what people think.

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Constantly tell yourself “I don’t give a fuck about what anybody thinks of me”

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(I know, fuck is a word that society doesn’t approve of, and I don’t give a fuck about that)

—————-

As long as it’s legal, you can say and do WHATEVER you please. Whether society
approves or not.

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At the Real Man Academy, men learn to develop this attitude by facing the highest
form of social anxiety : the fear of approaching women.

When you feel anxiety while approaching a woman, you can train yourself to think,
“Ok, this is just my social anxiety acting up, I know it’ll be gone in 30 seconds so let
me just take action.”

And you take action. Without worrying about the outcome.

When you do this continuously, by approaching one woman after another, for 3 days, you
learn to handle this anxiety at a DEEP level.

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Not only does it improve your dating life, you find that all your other social fears*
suddenly seem like no big deal any more!

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You stop fearing public speaking, you stop fearing talking to strangers, you stop fearing
dancing in public.

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Now you don’t care what people think. Now you don’t give a fuck.

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You have learnt to climb Mount Everest, now the small hillocks are no big deal.

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3 simple tips to deal with approach anxiety :

1) Approach one woman daily for 30 days. Get her opinion on some
topic related to relationships. Continue talking if you can and get her number.
Or just say thank you and move on. Here’s a post on how to open conversations
by asking for an opinion.

2) Set hourly reminders into your cellphone to flash the message,
“I don’t give a fuck about what anybody in the world thinks of me”

3) Read ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle

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*Please note : Extreme cases of social anxiety require therapy from a qualified psychologist